Tantrums:-the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Child tantrums are notoriously frustrating. Once a tantrum starts, you can feel completely helpless in trying to stop it–not to mention the behaviors (kicking, screaming, crying, thrashing, etc.) that can be very stressful to deal with! However, tantrums are a very normal part of toddlerhood and are a sign that your child’s brain is growing. When working through tantrums, your focus as a parent should be to teach your child to work through their emotions, as opposed to punishing the behavior.
Believe me, I know it seems counterintuitive to not punish the inappropriate and annoying behavior. The kicking, the screaming–that’s the part we don’t like! However, the reason children kick and scream and cry is that they are experiencing a “big emotion” like sadness, anger, or disappointment. When dealing with tantrums keep the long-term goal in mind: emotion regulation. Emotion regulation is paying attention to your emotions and being in control of how you respond to them. When you can teach your child to regulate his or her emotions, the behavior will also correct itself.
This will take time! Because this is something you teach, you will need to repeat these steps for a year or two. Practicing these skills over time is the best way to set your children up for success. However, you should notice a difference (less severe tantrums, or less frequent tantrums) within a few months.
In short: tantrums are normal. Keep your focus on the long-term goal of emotion regulation.
STEP 1: Calm yourself FIRST.
You will not adequately be able to teach a child how to cope with a tantrum if you are also feeling completely overwhelmed by what’s happening. Tantrums are stressful and can cause parents to feel angry and anxious, or embarrassed if the tantrum happens in public. The best way to help your child overcome tantrums is by being a safe place for your child when he or she is overwhelmed by emotions. Keep your cool. Remind yourself of the long-term goal.
Try this: Immediately when you sense a tantrum coming on, take three very deep, slow breaths and think to yourself “I am safe, I can be calm” with each breath.
STEP 2: Validate the EMOTION, not the behavior.
A common belief is that parents should simply punish a child for having a tantrum. However, the unwanted behaviors of tantrums are a result of underlying emotions. If you punish a child for their tantrum, they might learn to hide or repress their emotions, which can lead to issues later on. So what do you do? Identify what emotion your child is feeling. Tell your child that it is okay to feel angry or sad or disappointed, but do not validate their behavior or give in to what they want.
Try this: Say, “I can see you are feeling disappointed. It’s okay to feel disappointed, but it is not okay to scream.”
STEP 3: Teach your toddler how to RESPOND to their BIG emotions.
So you’ve kept yourself calm, and you’ve named your child’s emotion. Now you get to teach them a coping skill! (I wrote a blog previously with a descriptive list of coping skills that you can check out at this link, but I’ll create an overview here.) Pick one or two of these coping skills to try with your child when they are having big emotions. Again, these are skills that even adults have a hard time learning, so be patient with your child as he or she is practicing these.
– mindful breathing (balloon breaths, butterfly breaths, blowing into a pinwheel + more)
– using a mindfulness jar
– having a drink of water
– singing a song
– taking a walk or do some other exercise
– doing kid-friendly yoga
For best results with these steps, make sure you are doing these things regularly! Try to keep your cool at home so your children can see how you handle big emotions. Try and name your kids’ emotions as often as you see them! Happy, sad, excited, jealous, etc. And be sure to teach these coping skills when your kids are happy or playing, as well as when they are sad or throwing a tantrum.
It’s not perfect, it’s a process!
So these are three steps to dealing with toddler tantrums! Will all of your problems magically be solved because you properly went through these steps? Nope. Is dealing with toddler tantrums complex? Yes, very. These steps are meant to provide a guide. It won’t be perfect, and it won’t answer all of your questions or concerns, nor will it solve all of your problems. However, I believe in this process, and I believe that over time, engaging your child in these steps will lead to healthy emotion regulation and healthier relationships!
If you continue to experience problems or believe that your family could use some family-specific guidance, I invite you to look at the services on our website at www.legacycounselingservices.com or call our office (918-505-4367) to schedule an appointment with Kristi Spence, LMFT-C. You can also request a FREE 30-minute consultation with me. I’d be happy to help you and your family!