intake@legacycounselingservices.com | (918) 505-4367
  • Behance
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Pinterest
Make an Appointment: intake@legacycounselingservices.com | (918) 505-4367
logo
Contact Us Portal for Existing Clients

2035 W. Houston Street, Suite A | Broken Arrow, OK 74012
intake@legacycounselingservices.com | (918) 505-4367

  • Home
  • Our Therapists
    • Dr. Patrick McCain, LPC – Online Therapist
    • Sam Guzman, LPC-Candidate
    • April Reeder, LPC
    • Ted Robinson, LPC
    • Christina Parks, LPC, Clinical Director
    • Sandy Stone, LPC
    • Patti Trammell, LCSW
    • Dr. Melissa J. Leedy, Ph.D. Psychologist
    • Kristi Spence, LMFT-Candidate
    • Currently Hiring – Remote or Hybrid
  • Services
    • Online Therapy in Oklahoma
    • Relationship counseling
      • Couples Counseling
      • Pre-Marital Counseling
    • Family Counseling
    • Workshops/Groups Tulsa
      • Battle Buddies: Online Chronic Pain & Illness Support Group
      • Active Parenting of Teens Workshop
      • Virtual Teens Emotional Wellness Group
      • The Book Club with April Reeder, LPC
      • Story Groups Workshops
    • Teen Counseling
      • Tulsa Anxiety Counseling for Teens
      • Tulsa Counseling for Bullied Teens
      • Tulsa Counseling for Depressed Teens
    • Individual Counseling
      • Tulsa Counseling for Adult Anxiety and Worry
      • Tulsa Counseling for Adult Depression
      • Tulsa Counseling for Chronic Illness, Chronic Disease, and Injury
      • Tulsa Counseling for Chronic Pain
      • Tulsa Counseling for Depressed, Anxious, or Stressed Women
      • Tulsa Counseling for Insomnia
      • Grief & Bereavement Counseling
      • Counseling for Trauma
      • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
      • Counseling for Anxiety
      • Therapy for Depression
      • Emergency and Crisis Management Referrals
    • EMDR Tulsa Counseling for Adults
    • Men’s Issues
    • Public Speaking
    • Therapist Continuing Education Trainings
    • Become an Affiliated Therapist
    • Business Coaching / Consulting for Small Business Owners
  • Getting Started
    • FAQs
    • Client Forms
    • Scheduling and Billing Service
  • Resources
    • Mental Health Links
    • Physical Health Links
    • COVID-19: In-Office and Telehealth Counseling
  • Contact
  • Videos & Blog
  • Currently Hiring – Remote or Hybrid
Close menu
  • Home
  • Our Therapists
    • Dr. Patrick McCain, LPC – Online Therapist
    • Sam Guzman, LPC-Candidate
    • April Reeder, LPC
    • Ted Robinson, LPC
    • Christina Parks, LPC, Clinical Director
    • Sandy Stone, LPC
    • Patti Trammell, LCSW
    • Dr. Melissa J. Leedy, Ph.D. Psychologist
    • Kristi Spence, LMFT-Candidate
    • Currently Hiring – Remote or Hybrid
  • Services
    • Online Therapy in Oklahoma
    • Relationship counseling
      • Couples Counseling
      • Pre-Marital Counseling
    • Family Counseling
    • Workshops/Groups Tulsa
      • Battle Buddies: Online Chronic Pain & Illness Support Group
      • Active Parenting of Teens Workshop
      • Virtual Teens Emotional Wellness Group
      • The Book Club with April Reeder, LPC
      • Story Groups Workshops
    • Teen Counseling
      • Tulsa Anxiety Counseling for Teens
      • Tulsa Counseling for Bullied Teens
      • Tulsa Counseling for Depressed Teens
    • Individual Counseling
      • Tulsa Counseling for Adult Anxiety and Worry
      • Tulsa Counseling for Adult Depression
      • Tulsa Counseling for Chronic Illness, Chronic Disease, and Injury
      • Tulsa Counseling for Chronic Pain
      • Tulsa Counseling for Depressed, Anxious, or Stressed Women
      • Tulsa Counseling for Insomnia
      • Grief & Bereavement Counseling
      • Counseling for Trauma
      • Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
      • Counseling for Anxiety
      • Therapy for Depression
      • Emergency and Crisis Management Referrals
    • EMDR Tulsa Counseling for Adults
    • Men’s Issues
    • Public Speaking
    • Therapist Continuing Education Trainings
    • Become an Affiliated Therapist
    • Business Coaching / Consulting for Small Business Owners
  • Getting Started
    • FAQs
    • Client Forms
    • Scheduling and Billing Service
  • Resources
    • Mental Health Links
    • Physical Health Links
    • COVID-19: In-Office and Telehealth Counseling
  • Contact
  • Videos & Blog
  • Currently Hiring – Remote or Hybrid
  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • YouTube
(918) 505-4367

intake@legacycounselingservices.com

CORE VALUES: Excellence | Integrity | Authenticity | Personal Growth

How to get your teens to listen without yelling

September 22, 2021 by Melissa Leedy Leave a Comment

Written by Kristi Spence, LMFT-C

Do you ever get tired of yelling at your teen? Or maybe you feel like the only punishments you know how to administer are either a grounding or taking his or her phone away? While you may feel like your teen has a superpower in rebelling, there are several ways that you can discipline him or her which will teach your teen responsibility, while also maintaining a positive relationship between the two of you. 

The first steps to disciplining your teen include: (also considered “basic” disciplining methods):1) polite requests, 2) “I” messages, and 3) firm reminders. Let me dive into these.

  1. Polite requests

A polite request is exactly how it sounds: calmly and politely asking your teen to change behavior. We will use taking out the trash as an example. A polite request would sound like, “Honey, from now on when you notice the trash can is full, would you please take it out to the bin?” If your teen agrees, add a “thank you.”

While it may seem ridiculously simple, sometimes parents let problems fester and skip over giving polite requests and instead jump to yelling and lecturing (“Why doesn’t anyone help me with the trash?! How can you be so lazy?? You need to take out the trash when you see it’s full!”) Start with a polite request, and encourage any changes you see!

  1. “I”- messages

Of course, changing behavior is hard, and your teen may neglect to make the change you have politely asked of him or her. This is where “I” messages come in. A good “I” message involves identifying the behavior you want to be changed, saying how you feel about the situation, stating your reasons behind your request, and again making clear what you want your teen to do. For example:

  1. “I have a problem with you not taking out the trash as I asked.”

(Situation you want to be changed)

  1. “It makes me feel taken advantage of…”

(Sharing your feelings about the situation)

  1. “…because I’m the only one taking out the trash that belongs to all of us.” 

(Stating your reason)

  1. “When you notice the trash is full, I would like you to take it out.” 

(Saying what you want to be done)

To make an “I” message most effective, make sure you focus on the behavior you dislike, as opposed to commenting on the teen’s character–don’t refer to your teen as lazy or irresponsible. Additionally, when you share your feelings, try to share a feeling other than anger. Common feelings are frustration, fear, and hurt, and your teens are more likely to understand you when you talk about these emotions.

  1. Firm reminders

The final “basic” discipline skill is a firm reminder. After you have given a polite request, an “I” message and your teen still hasn’t changed their behavior, you can deliver a calm, clear, and concise reminder of what you have asked them to do. An example of a firm reminder is this: “Trash. Now, please.”

Keep your firm reminder in as few words as possible in order to avoid lecturing. Additionally, don’t forget to add a “thank you,” if your teen completes the tasks! Even though they forgot, and even if they had a negative attitude while doing it, your positive recognition will encourage them to keep up with the changes. 

Wrapping it up

With these three discipline techniques for teens: polite requests, “I” messages, and firm reminders, you do not have to raise your voice when trying to discipline your teen! Remember, though: these are “basic” discipline methods. If you are experiencing more serious problems with your teenager, “advanced” discipline methods might be more effective for you. Stay tuned for my next blog in which I discuss the “advanced” discipline methods for teens.

Take care, 

Kristi Spence, LMFT-C

Legacy Counseling Services, PLLC

Legacy Counseling Service of Broken Arrow offers family counseling and counseling for parents who are wanting to gain skills to enhance their relationship with their teen or pre-teen through family therapy or through my upcoming 4-week workshop, Active Parenting of Teens (https://legacycounselingservices.com/services/active-parenting-of-teens/)Contact us today at www.legacycounselingservices.com if you are interested in setting up an appointment or registering for the workshop.

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

2035 W. Houston Street, Suite A
Broken Arrow, OK 74012

(918) 505-4367
intake@legacycounselingservices.com

About Us

 
  • Facebook
  • LinkedIn
  • YouTube

Office Hours

7 days a week, daytime and evening, by appointment only.

Request Appointment

Contact Information

2035 W. Houston Street, Suite A
Broken Arrow, OK 74012

  • Email
  • Phone

Privacy Policy

A Therapist Website by Brighter Vision

Business Hours and Insurance Benefits

Insurance changes have been in effect since Nov 1, 2022. Please double-check with your insurance to ENSURE THAT YOUR PROVIDER IS STILL IN-NETWORK for your specific policy FOR IN-OFFICE AND TELEHEALTH BEHAVIORAL HEALTH VISITS. Ask if your provider is approved for telehealth, as some insurance companies require the use of a specific company, such as MD Live, which we are NOT paneled with. Write the time/day you called, the name of the person you spoke with, and the reference number.

Our administrative office hours are Mon -Tues. 9 am-5 pm and Friday 9 am-Noon.  You may also reach out to us through the contact form (https://forms.gle/v9eSAFeETk7K4Kbw8).

Due to high volume, CALLS AND WEBSITE INQUIRIES WILL BE RETURNED WITHIN 3-5 BUSINESS DAYS.  Thanks for your patience.

Thank you, and we look forward to connecting with you!