Written by Kristi Spence, LMFT-C
As a co-parent, your relationship with your ex-spouse can be extremely stressful. Do you struggle with trying to agree on different rules in different houses? Or determining who pays for what? Or maybe you are still trying to manage your own anger surrounding the divorce.
With all of the inevitable conflict, it can be extremely tempting to “vent” to your kids about their other parent; however, this is a form of “triangulation,” which can actually hurt your children in the long run.
What is “triangulation?”
“Triangulation” happens when two people, who are in conflict with one another, bring a third person into their conflict in order to relieve some of the tension. Triangulation can actually happen in any type of relationship, but it is common in co-parenting relationships. As you can see in the graphic below, “co-parent 1” and “co-parent 2” have a conflictual and tense relationship (shown by the zig-zag line). Both co-parents then communicate to the child about the conflict rather than keeping the conflict between themselves.
Some examples of how co-parents triangulate their children include:
- Complaining about the other co-parent in front of the children
- Using children as messengers
- Asking children to “choose” between the two co-parents
Why is triangulation harmful to children?
First, when children are triangled into their parents’ conflict, they feel extremely uncomfortable. No matter how you as a co-parent feel about your ex-spouse, your children love both of you. Your children do not want to disappoint you, nor do they want to disappoint their other parent. Avoid saying negative things about your kids’ parent in front of them.
Additionally, triangulating children can negatively impact their self-esteem. When you complain about your co-parent to your child, you put them in a position to take care of you (emotionally), when you should be taking care of them. Over time, this can lead children to believe that their needs matter less than others’, influencing negative self-esteem.
What should you do instead?
Instead of talking negatively about your co-parent in front of your kids, try talking to someone who will support a healthy relationship between you and your co-parent. Talk to a friend or a therapist who will tell you what you need to hear, as opposed to stoking the fire.
Remember: A healthy relationship with your co-parent will mean better adjustment and health for your children.
Additionally, if you have gone through a divorce with children, listen to and accept their emotions, including the negative ones. Your children may be feeling confused, angry, sad, embarrassed, or scared. Let them talk to you about those feelings, and support them.
While almost all parents have triangulated their children at some point, use these tips in the future to set your children and yourself up for success!
If you need additional help, Legacy Counseling Service of Broken Arrow offers counseling for parents who have a stressful co-parenting relationship. We also offer family counseling for blended families or children and adolescents who are struggling with adjusting to divorce.
Contact us today at www.legacycounselingservices.com to set up a co-parenting counseling session or family counseling session with me or any of our other therapists at Legacy Counseling Service.
Here’s to healthier co-parenting!
Kristi Spence, LMFT-C
Leave a Reply